Recent Funny Stories

Tha mayor is gonna make it happen. Moscow Mayor Promises a Winter Without Snow:

Pigs still can't fly, but this winter, the mayor of Moscow promises to keep it from snowing. For just a few million dollars, the mayor's office will hire the Russian Air Force to spray a fine chemical mist over the clouds before they reach the capital, forcing them to dump their snow outside the city. Authorities say this will be a boon for Moscow, which is typically covered with a blanket of snow from November to March. Road crews won't need to constantly clear the streets, and traffic - and quality of life - will undoubtedly improve.

The idea came from Mayor Yury Luzhkov, who is no stranger to playing...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the...

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I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!
They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.

And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and...

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Alright there is a Golfer a Baseball Player and s soldier from the navy. The golfer goes watch this and throws a golf ball out the side of the helicopter. They all laugh and the baseball player goes and throws a baseball, they all laugh at that to. The Soldier throws a live grenade and they all crack up.

they land and they come across a little girl crying with a c at in her hands. The golfer goes and says hey whats wrong with you. she says a golf ball hit my cat now its dead. they start to walk away then run . then they come across a boy crying. the baseball player sighs and says whats wrong with you Now. He says a baseball hit my dog now its dead they keep walking then they start to...

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Anna had lost her husband four years ago. Her daughter was constantly telling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."

Well, it was a hit ! The couple took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, they undressed together. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body you can explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not...

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The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
'I can't do the gas thing The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you
something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have V1agra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"May I speak to Mrs. Sanders please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one
belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too
good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one *
* tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new...

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I don't have a joke about mushrooms, just some advice: do 'em -- seriously.

- How old are you baby?
- 13
- What?! Get dressed and get out of here! Quickly!!!
- Hm... You seemed not to be so superstitious

-- Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

-- Oral sex makes one's day. Anal sex makes one's hole weak.

-- Sex is like bridge game: don't need partner if you have good hand.

Q: What is LXIX?

A: 69 -- the hard way.

Two neighbors, John and Sam, are always competing.

One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.

Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.

The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."

"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"